Always and Beyond
by ITalkFast
Summary: 'Castle had spent hours imagining how it would be to make love to Kate Beckett; fast and furious, clumsy and awkward, he honestly didn't know how it would be, other than amazing. But this was beyond imagining, beyond anything his mind had ever concocted'
1. Chapter 1

He'd deleted her.

Dammit, he'd DELETED her. Her mother's case was gone from his storyboard, just as Beckett was gone from his life. For 24 hours now, he'd managed to walk around, speak, breathe, and even crack a few lame jokes with Alexis and her friends. Not that any of it was easy, but then what had he expected, really? He'd had four years of history to tell him that she was gonna run like hell in the opposite direction, but what choice had he had?

So he had finally done it, willingly carved into his own chest and lifted out his beating heart for her. And it wasn't enough. It was never going to be enough. He understood it now, down to his aching bones, that nothing would ever be important enough to supplant her obsession with her mother's killers. She might as well have buried herself in that grave 13 years ago. And while he would have willingly followed her into hell for a chance at a life together, he refused to follow her into that grave. So he'd walked away, straight into his own personal hell.

But he wasn't about to drown the pain with whisky or a willing woman. He would take this like a man. He could get through this; he just wished it didn't hurt so fucking much. The roller coaster of their relationship for the past four years was nothing compared to the complete death of hope he felt now. For the first time, he had to let himself acknowledge the stark reality; he was never going to be with her, not even as her partner now. The fodder of a thousand dreams, waking and sleeping, were disappearing from his reach. He would never thread his fingers through that soft hair, map her skin with trembling fingers, taste the hollow of her throat, or learn her vocabulary of sighs and moans as he worshipped her body with his own. For years now she had been his lodestone, his true north. So what the hell was he supposed to do now?

And then, as he stood quivering on the edge of an abyss of pain, a knock at the door, and she stood in front of him, soaked to the skin, her eyes shadowed and wet, but still so goddamn gorgeous. A small corner of his writer's brain made note of the fact that the pain could actually get worse after all. But the remainder of his mind was overwhelmed by a wave of anger and resentment so strong that it was hard to keep from slamming the door in her face. He dug deep for control, fought a fierce and bloody battle with himself, and spoke.

"Beckett, what do you want?" he gritted.

"You." she whispered, as she came for him, hands outstretched.

Backing away was instinctive, the fear-response of a wounded creature, wary and skittish. But this was a new Beckett, fierce and glorious, and she refused to allow his retreat. Slipping her hands to either side of his face, she pushed right in to him, crushing her lips to his in a desperate, wordless plea. He was undone, completely and utterly undone. The chaos of his thoughts and feelings, already so bruised and raw from the last 24 hours, sent him reeling. His hands half lifted to clutch her to him in an automatic response to those beloved lips on his own, before incoherent memory penetrated his brain. She was not his to hold, she had let him walk away without a word.

She pulled back slightly, her eyes seeking his, but he remained still, eyes downcast, trying to breathe their mingled air. Bombarded by sensations; pain, glory, lust, love, fear, exultation. He wanted to howl at the moon, drag her to the floor, curl himself around her, weeping and laughing. But he couldn't trust this, he wouldn't, not yet. He stood frozen.

"I'm so sorry, Castle" her fervent whisper, repeated like a litany against his mouth, was blessed, cooling relief to his burning soul. But her lips chasing his were not enough to distract him from his wary mistrust. He couldn't allow hope to return until he understood what had happened, could trust that this was real, not just a ploy to draw him back in to the case. A part of him was aghast that he could think that poorly of her. But he had been taught a harsh lesson in the past two days, and he wouldn't risk his heart, his soul, his very sanity, without knowing more.

Grasping her arms, he lifted her away from him. The startled look in her eyes helped to clear his clouded thoughts, and he met her eyes with his. "What happened?" he asked intently, watching the tears track down her face.

"He got away, and I didn't care," she murmured "I almost died, and all I could think about was you."

Castle was mesmerized by the truth shining from her lovely, tearful eyes. They met his without artifice or evasion, and he was stunned into silence by her words. He felt the fierce burning of hope flicker to life in his chest, half agony, half triumph. As he fought an internal battle for clarity, for control of himself, he watched her eyes flick hungrily to his mouth.

"I just want you." she breathed, and after a final silent struggle, Castle broke. Lunging forward, he pinned her against the slamming door. Frantically he devoured her mouth with his, the desperate agony of the past day feeding his frenzied caresses. She offered herself up to him, meeting his passion with her own as he trailed his lips down her throat, placing heated impressions of his mouth on her chilled flesh. Kate felt his tongue dip into the hollow between her breasts, then just as suddenly his lips left her skin, his head pulling back sharply. He slowly lifted fingers made suddenly clumsy and unbuttoned her blouse, peeling it back to reveal the small puckered scar left by that ill-fated bullet.

Trembling slightly, he reached for it, only to hesitate. Kate softly propelled his fingers to her skin, holding him there, above her heart. Cradling him there with one hand, she lifted the other to his face as she softly kissed him, their frenzied movements calmed by the memory of her wounds, of the price they had both paid to be here, together. Pulling back slightly, she smiled at him as she met his blue eyes with hers. Castle was awestruck by the look in her eyes; tender, joyful and finally whole, but burning underneath, a fierce blaze of heat and need meant only for him.

Trailing a hand down his arm, she met his hand, palm to palm. His large hand immediately enfolded hers, gripping tightly as if to convince himself that this was real, this was actually happening. She quirked a smile at the stunned look on his face, and tugging on their joined hands, led him through his study and into the bedroom. He followed her docilely, neither of them speaking, his brain still trying desperately to wrap itself around the idea that she was here, leading him through his home like it was her own.

As they reached the foot of his bed, she turned to face him, tugging her hand from his and placing them both on his chest. As she looked up at him with tears still drying on her face, Castle was overwhelmed by need. With a suddenness that startled her, he crushed her to him in a fierce hug, almost painful in its intensity. Her head lay over his heart, hearing its frantic rhythm as his hand cradled her head, fingers threading convulsively through her wet hair. His other hand had barely crept under her jacket, warm fingers quivering against the skin of her lower back.

Castle gasped for air, trying to calm himself as the adrenaline surge of her kisses began to fade. His breath came in choking, heaving gulps, just on the edge of sobs. Burying his nose in her hair, he breathed in her familiar scent, and felt peace slowly settle on him again. Her hands were wrapped around his back, moving in slow circles as she sought to soothe the ache her actions had caused. They stood like that in silence for long minutes, as he pulled himself together.

Drawing back, his look was sheepish, embarrassment etching his features. "I'm sorry…" he began, only to immediately be silenced by the press of her hand against his lips.

"No Castle, don't apologize, not for that, not ever for that. The way you feel about me is the most amazing gift. I'm just so sorry it took me so long to accept it." Sliding her hand to cup his jaw, she leaned in to press a reverent kiss against his lips, and just like that, the electricity between them crackled and burned anew.

Castle had spent hours imagining how it would be to make love to Kate Beckett; fast and furious, clumsy and awkward, he honestly didn't know how it would be, other than amazing. But this was beyond imagining, beyond anything his mind had ever concocted.

As they undressed each other, their movements were clumsy with desire. He felt like a boy again, fumbling and desperate. Yet overlaying their heat and haste, was a reverent stillness. Neither could forget the import of the step they were taking, the long and rocky road they had travelled to this place, this moment. They paused often to lay long, heated kisses on the skin they exposed, like benedictions pronounced by teeth and tongue against beloved flesh.

Castle was intoxicated by the rain-sweet smell of her; the scent of rare exotic flowers seemed to rise from her skin. He nuzzled and tasted as she quivered in his arms. For Kate, each layer of clothing removed another barrier to the lean strength of him. His broad shoulders rose over and enfolded her. Muscled arms and wide, strong hands effortlessly lifted her over him, tucked her under him. She, who had always had to be so strong, so fierce, felt protected and safe in the circle of his arms.

As he lowered her to the bed and cradled her beneath him, each touch they exchanged was significant. Sighs and whispered words became a part of a solemn rite, old as time, but made gloriously new in this place, for them alone. As they neared the pinnacle, he curled his hands over hers against the sheets, met her eyes, and desperately gasped "I love you, Kate, God, I love you so much!" She broke apart, carrying him with her as she shuddered and called out his name.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is a short chapter, but it had a good stopping point. ;-) This is my first multi-chapter fic, so be patient. Reviews would be lovely!

* * *

Rick lay in stunned silence. Kate's hair trailed across his chest, her ear tuned to the sound of his still-thundering heart. The taste of her on his tongue, the buzzing electricity of her fingers languidly tracing his flesh, were all that anchored him to the reality of Kate Beckett in his bed. She lifted her head, propping her chin on his chest and meeting his eyes with a hint of her familiar mischievous twinkle. "Damn, Castle, what on earth were we waiting for?"

It was only then that she saw the lines carved beside his mouth, the tears swimming in his blue eyes. He choked out a sound, a laugh crossed with a sigh, and closed his eyes as he fought for control. Sliding up his body, she rose over him and cupped his jaw in her hand, thumb stroking rhythmically over his lips. "Rick..." she whispered.

The sound of his given name opened his eyes, meeting hers in surprise.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't make jokes. This isn't a joke to me, don't think that, ever. I guess I'm just so used to…hiding…in banter and humor when it comes to us. I just…just panicked a little."

Castle trailed a hand up her back, smiling slightly as he felt her quiver in response. "Kate, I love our banter, and I love to make you laugh. But the last two days…hell Kate, I guess I have emotional whiplash or something. It's a good thing Esposito can't see me now, he would so mock me for being a girl."

Castle was too experienced at reading her to miss the flash of pain that crossed her face at the mention of Espo's name. "What, Kate? Did something happen to him?"

"Castle, a lot has happened, and we have so much talking we need to do, but can we just…not do it tonight? Can we just have this one night to be together without all of that baggage? God, Castle, I've just waited so long, you've waited so long. I don't want to think about anything but you, but us, right now."

Concern etched itself across his face, panic flaring in his eyes as he half rose in the bed, grasping her arms and almost shaking her in his intensity. "Kate, you'd better not be saying that this is a one night thing. 'Cause I love you Kate, and I'm not about to…"

He trailed off as Kate began shaking her head "No, Castle, no, no, no! I would NEVER do that to you. I just…want some time to be with you, like this, before the rest of the world crashes in."

He could hear the sincerity in her voice, read the truth in her eyes. Breathing a deep sigh, he cradled her to his chest, easing back to the pillows and rolling to his side, tucking her into the curve of his body. Her scent rose to surround him again, clouding his brain and speeding his heart rate. He could feel her lips pressing soft kisses to his chest as she lay nestled in his arms, curling in to him like a cat.

The electric crackle of desire began to surge and buzz through him again as he stroked his wide palms down her back with increasing ardor. Kate's soft kisses were becoming more eager, as she blazed a trail across his pecs with her hot mouth, tasting, teasing, and tantalizing his senses with her wicked tongue and teeth.

They lost themselves for endless moments of discovery; the brush of a finger, the scrape of teeth, the lean lines of muscle and bone, familiar yet completely and wondrously new. They mapped each other with soft touches, tender sweeps of flesh on flesh. No part of her was not fascinating to him, and she returned his explorations with her own. She dedicated herself to the minute examination of his hands, writer's hands marked by calluses and sinewy strength left by the flow of words from his rich imagination onto paper and keyboard. He lost himself tracing the shape of her face, the curve of her ear, finally experiencing with fingers what he had endlessly recorded with his eyes, hot on her as she sat working at her desk. Finally, as if their gentle touches had become too much to take, he clutched her to him again in wordless wonder.

She seized control, pushing him to his back, and taking him on a journey of sensation and need. He lay under her, content to let her take control. She took and took from his body to feed both her desire and his, driving them both beyond rational thought to a place he'd glimpsed, but never really experienced before. He reveled in her passionate ferocity. And in the final glorious moments, as she carried him over the abyss, it was her turn to cry out words of love to his wondering ears.


	3. Chapter 3

Castle awoke from a doze to the sound of his stomach, gurgling its protest at the lack of dinner. Thinking about it, he realized his appetite had been pretty nonexistent for the past few days. Understandable in the circumstances, but now it had returned with a vengeance, and he was ravenous. Reluctant to move, he glanced down at Beckett, curled along his side with her head nestled in to his ribcage. He pondered sliding out of bed, but didn't want to wake her. Undaunted, his stomach growled again, louder than before.

He heard a soft chuckle, as Beckett lifted her head, stretching overused muscles and flexing her back with a muffled pop. "You hungry Castle, or is there an animal in here somewhere?"

"As a matter of fact, I'm starving here, woman!" Castle growled with mock ferocity as he sat up against the headboard "Mother and Alexis left right after graduation, and then this insatiable woman showed up on my doorstep to ravish me before I could order in."

"C'mon then Castle, let's go see what you have in the kitchen; I have plans for you that don't involve letting you waste away from lack of nourishment." Kate rose gracefully from the bed, leaning over to fish through the piles of their discarded clothes. Coming back up with several garments in her hand, she tossed Castle his boxers and undershirt. He sat, pole axed, as she swiftly donned her own underwear and flung his dress shirt around her shoulders.

"Plans?" he asked, hearing his voice sounding unnaturally high in his ears. "You made plans? What plans, exactly?"

She stalked towards him, moving like a jungle cat, buttoning his shirt as she came. He was immediately distracted by the enormously sexy sight of Kate Beckett wearing his clothes. She reached his side, and bending to whisper in his ears, almost purred "Rick, you don't think you're the only one who spent the last four years thinking about this, do you?"

Castle almost whimpered at the combination of her words, the warm feel of her breath against his ear, and the sight of her beautiful body, dressed only in his shirt, bending over him. Moving so quickly that he startled them both, he gripped the back of her neck, pressed a brief but passionate kiss to her lips, then trailed his own mouth to her ear. "Believe me, I'm delighted to hear it, and I can hardly wait to start checking off our lists. But for now, I either need to find some food, or I'll start taking bites out of you."

Laughing, she straightened, pulling him up after her. Throwing on his boxers and t-shirt, he started for the kitchen, clasping her hand and tugging her along in his wake.

"There are basically three options here, Beckett. We can make something, order something or snack on whatever we can find that doesn't need cooking." He glanced at her, fascinated by the adorable way her brow crinkled as she considered the options.

"How about a combination, Castle?" she offered. "Order in Chinese, and snack on cold cereal while we wait for it to get here."

"Genius, Kate!" he said, beaming at her across the kitchen island. "Sugar for an immediate energy boost, and plenty of carbs for stamina later." Leering at her suggestively, he waggled his eyebrows at her, grinning from ear to ear.

Her obligatory eye roll lacked conviction, especially when combined with her answering grin. Sinking on to a stool, Kate airily waved a hand at him. "Chop, chop Castle, you're the host here. Order already."

Picking up the phone, he dialed a number from memory, then tucked the phone into his shoulder and began rummaging in the cabinets for plates, bowls and utensils.

"It's me Zhang, I need my usual, extra heat on the Kung Pao, no mushrooms in anything, and listen, I'm starving, so there's an extra $25 bucks to the guy if he has it here inside 30 minutes." Castle paused, listening, and then chuckled. "Yeah, she's here….Well then call it my Beckett usual then, the other one is my Alexis usual." Meeting her eyes, her puzzled expression made him smile. "OK, I'll see him in 30."

"What was that about Castle?" she asked as he hung up.

"When Zhang heard my order, he asked if my Detective was visiting me again" Castle told her, eyes twinkling. "He said I always make the same changes to my usual order when you're here. He wanted to name it, to save time, so now I can order the Beckett or the Alexis."

Kate frowned, "Castle, won't Alexis and I ever eat together?

Coming around the island with bowls and spoons, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and chuckled. "Zhang has it covered; he said that when we're all together, I should just order the Castle Happy Family Special." Dropping a kiss to her forehead, he circled back around to rummage for cereal in the pantry, stealing glances at Beckett's face to read her reaction.

He saw the initial surprise in her face, but was gratified to see her mouth curve into a small shy smile, which lingered on her face as he returned to her side with several boxes of sugary cereal. He crossed to the fridge for milk, as Kate studied the boxes before her.

"Castle, you're a grown man," she grumbled. "How is it that you don't have a single box of cereal that doesn't come with a toy inside?"

"Well, sometimes the toys are collectible, the sugar makes it taste like something besides cardboard, and it's really hard to make marshmallow treats with oat bran." he cheerfully replied. "But I think Mother may have some Raisin Bran in there if you really can't stand these."

With a slight huff, she reached for the crunchberries box, tipping a generous amount into her bowl. "Never mind, I don't want to cause any trouble by eating your mother's cereal."

Castle studied her carefully, noting the too bland expression and the downcast eyes. Reaching for her chin, he lifted her eyes to him, spotting the glimmer of mischief lurking there. "HA!" he cried, "You like this sugary crap just as much as I do, don't you? You're just acting all haughty to keep me from guessing your dirty little secret."

"I'll never tell, Castle. Now eat your sugary crap." Kate reached for the milk, doused the cereal, and then dug out a spoonful. Crunching happily, she watched him as he carefully considered the boxes, before pouring himself an enormous serving of Cocoa Krispies and digging in.

Castle sat smiling at her over their cereal bowls as the kitchen was filled with the sounds of their crunching. Another wave of amazement washed over him as he watched her carefully chasing the last few colorful pieces with her spoon. If someone had told him 24 hours ago that he would be sitting in his kitchen watching Kate Beckett eat cereal wearing nothing but his shirt, he would have laughed himself hoarse. As it was, he was still so stunned by her presence that he had to keep touching her to prove that she was real. He reached out a foot and hooked it around her calf, sliding it gently up and down as she smiled into her cereal bowl.

After he finished his snack, he collected their bowls and spoons and left them in the sink. Crossing the kitchen to Kate's side, he gathered her into his arms, delighting in her instant response as she wrapped her arms around his waist. "So, what do you want to do until the real food gets here?" he inquired.

"Well," she mused "you could tell me about how the big graduation speech went."

"She was fantastic!" Castle enthused, as he led her to the couch. "Truly amazing; between my talent for writing, and Mother's acting ability, she really is a terrific speaker."

"Well Castle, I'm sure that some of it was also based on her own brains." Kate observed. "What did she end up speaking about?

"She spoke about change," he explained as a slight shadow of remembered pain came over his face, "how scary it can be, but also how necessary and even inevitable it is. She talked about how certain people come into our lives, and even if they don't stay forever, they can leave an indelible mark on us that make them a part of us forever." He stared into the distance as he spoke, lost in thought.

Kate understood immediately that those words must have haunted him, spoken so soon after their own breach. The bleak look on his eyes made her sad, especially knowing that she had helped to put it there. Reaching out, she gently brushed the hair off his forehead, catching his eyes with hers. It was gratifying to see the sadness clear as he met her gaze, but still she leaned in to meet his mouth with hers. Gently, she traced his lips with her tongue, pressing warm kisses to the corners of his mouth. He seemed to understand her wordless apology, remaining quiescent under her mouth as she tenderly caressed him. Not passion, but reverent, humble gratitude was in this kiss; gratitude for his long patience, his forgiveness, and his love. As she pulled back slightly and met his eyes, he whispered "Thank you, Kate."

A loving, happy smile broke across her face as she whispered back, "Always, Rick."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks for the lovely reviews! I never understood how precious they were until I published my first fic. To the anon who asked how long the story would be, I'm not sure how many chapters, but I want to take the story into the following day, so at least another one or two. Cheers!

* * *

Castle stood in the kitchen, closing containers of Chinese food and stowing them away in the fridge. Kate had burst out laughing when she saw the size of his usual order, but he operated on the theory that leftover Chinese was an essential food group, so he always over-ordered. As he rinsed plates and forks and loaded the dishwasher, his eyes rested on Kate, standing at the window gazing out at the rain-soaked night.

Just the sight of her sent a frisson of awareness through his system. Four long years he had waited for her eyes to turn to him, to really see the man he'd become, the man she'd made him. So many nights he had stared out those same windows, despair and frustration twisting his gut. There were moments he had nearly given up; times when a maelstrom of need and desire churned inside him. The small, bitter voice in his head would mock him for being a fool.

But there were other times as well; transcendent moments when tiny touches, or a glimpse of something in her eyes would transform his despair. When they had a case, and they were in sync, finishing each others' sentences and building theory together, he would almost feel his skin crackling with the electricity they generated. Those nights, he often walked home from the 12th, just to burn off some of the energy from their day together, and still, he'd enter the loft buzzing and animated in his joy.

He dried his hands, and crossed the room; easing himself behind her, he pulled her gently back against his body, enfolding her in his arms. She made a little sound, almost a hum really, that was unbelievably sexy, and Castle made a mental note to find other ways to hear it.

Rolling her head back against his shoulder, she lazily inquired "What time is it, Castle?"

"About 1:30am, I think," he replied. "Why, you sleepy?"

"Well, not so much sleepy, as wanting to go back to bed." she chuckled wickedly. "But I don't think we'd better, not right after all that food."

"So what we need is something to entertain ourselves with, while we wait." Castle declared, "How about strip poker?"

Kate cracked up. "Castle, we both have hardly any clothes on, we were just naked an hour ago, and I fully expect to be naked again in a bit. Let's save strip poker for another time."

"Ok," he agreed, "but don't think I'm not gonna hold you to that. That one's been on my list since the night you almost cleaned me out in front of my Poker buddies."

"I seem to remember you offering a John Woo double feature," Kate reminded him, "we could start a movie."

"Great idea!" he enthused. Grabbing her hand, he towed her toward his study, leaving her beside the big chair as he went to rummage for a DVD. "I think we should start with The Killer; who doesn't love a movie about a reformed assassin…" Castle stopped dead in his tracks, turning back to her with a sick expression on his face. "Kate…god, I'm so sorry…" His words trailed off as he strode back across the room and pulled her into a tight hug. "I didn't even think about what I was saying; how you would feel."

"It's ok, Castle." Her words were muffled by his t-shirt. "I'm not that fragile, I promise. In fact, I feel stronger now than I have in a long time."

Castle loosened his hold on her, pulling his head back and meeting her eyes. He was relieved at the peaceful calm he found there. "Kate, you're one of the strongest people I know. Just…remember that you don't have to handle things alone, especially since we…you and me…I mean…we're…" he fumbled to a stop.

The perplexed look on his face would have been comical Kate thought, if he weren't being so sweet. She eyed him impassively, as he started to speak several times, only to change his mind and gaze helplessly at her.

Taking pity on him, she flashed a wide smile, and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "We're just us, Castle. Doesn't really matter what we call it."

"Us," he mused, "I guess you're right. Really, we're just the same as we've always been, only now we get to have lots and lots of sex!" Grinning wickedly, he planted a noisy kiss on her startled mouth.

Kate couldn't help but laugh, even as she rolled her eyes at his sudden switch from sweet to suggestive.

"C'mon Castle, let's start the movie." Kate prodded.

* * *

Forty-five minutes into the movie, as the screen flickered with yet another massive gun battle, Castle had to acknowledge privately that he was far too distracted to keep up with the plot, limited as it may be. Kate had curled up on his lap, her head tucked on his shoulder, warm breath tickling his neck. He had believed her to be mesmerized by the movie, until a few minutes before, when her fingers had begun tracing designs on his arm.

He was still so easily overwhelmed by the reality of touching her, of being touched. For so long her soft skin, her silky hair, had been off limits to him. The occasional brush of fingers as he handed her a coffee cup; the treasured few times that she had reached out and clasped his hand in hers; these brief exceptions had tantalized him, made him ache with the need to shape her skin with his palms, taste every bit of her with lips, tongue and teeth.

The thought struck him then, as he held himself rigidly still under her gently circling fingers, that perhaps she too had been longing for contact, for the satin slide of skin on skin. He had spent so much time ruthlessly controlling his own hopes for their future together; maybe he had just failed to account for the possibility that the same need had tormented her also.

With his other hand, he stabbed at the remote, stopping the movie, and startling a soft hum of surprise from Beckett.

"Kate." He spoke quietly, in a voice rusty with desire.

She raised her head, fingers ceasing their gentle movement, and wordlessly met his gaze.

"I need to touch you, Kate." His words were blunt in the spiraling heat of his desire, and he saw her pupils dilate in response to his voice, his need. That was all the assent he required, as he rose from the chair, lifting her easily and carrying her to his bedroom.

Kate seemed to sense the change in his mood. Kneeling on the bed, she faced him quietly, waiting for whatever came next. He felt fierce, almost primal in his craving to imprint himself on her skin. He wanted to claim every inch of her as his own, sink into her very bones, until they were inextricably linked.

Eyes still locked with hers, he reached out his hands and grasped the lapels of his shirt, still wrapped around her body. With a sharp tug, he ripped it apart, hearing the ping of buttons flying across the room to collide with the walls.

"Castle, your shirt…" she protested weakly.

"I'd never have been able to wear it again anyway, Kate." Castle chuckled throatily. "Not after seeing you in it all night. That's all I'd be able think about, and I'm afraid I might embarrass myself in public."

Her hands moved to his t-shirt and he lifted his arms, allowing her to pull it over his head and toss it aside. She immediately wrapped her arms around his middle, pressing her face into his chest and nuzzling. Once again he was struck by the realization that she had wanted this as long as he had. For so long, he had just assumed that he would have to convince her to want him; woo her into giving him a chance with her. It was part of his basic premise; that she deserved more, better than him, and that he would have to persuade her that he could be worthy.

But he was beginning to comprehend that despite all the barriers that had stood between them, she had been standing on the far side wanting him every bit as much as he wanted her. And with that dawning understanding came a breathless joy.

This third time together was yet again different; Rick was ruthless in his commitment to slowly, deliberately driving her completely out of her mind with pleasure. He moved over and around her, cataloging each sound, each sigh. He found and exploited every ticklish place, learned which caresses made her shiver, where he could elicit a breathy cry or a wordless hum.

By the time he lifted himself above her, she was a mindless creature of pure need and sensation. He drove her up and up, one final time, until they flew beyond coherent thought and floated free, clasped together body and soul.

And they slept.


	5. Chapter 5

Castle slowly awoke to the delicious sensation of a naked and breathtakingly beautiful Kate Beckett sprawled next to him in his bed. She lay pressed against his side, one arm curled across his belly, the other flung out across the sheets. He remained still, savoring the view, and the mere fact of her presence. The reality that 24 hours ago he had believed her to be out of his life forever, made this moment all that much sweeter.

She was still deeply asleep, and knowing how little rest she'd had over the last few days, he wanted nothing to disturb her. Moving slowly, he carefully slid out of bed, as Kate let out a soft sound and curled into the pillow. She was so adorable like this, the hard cop edge softened in sleep, and her protective wariness eased. He wondered how much of that wariness would be back when she awoke. He knew her well enough to know it wouldn't all be gone. She'd made a huge leap in coming to him, but he wasn't fool enough to believe that everything would be smooth from there. He was fine with that; he'd been willing to wait and finally, she had come to him. If he had to fight the demons of her past, he'd do that too, now that he knew she was in this with him.

Pulling some clothes from the dresser, he eased into the bathroom, where he quickly showered and shaved. He selected a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, and draped them across the foot of the bed where she couldn't miss them, and scooping up her soggy clothes, slipped from the room.

An hour or so later, as Castle sat tapping on his laptop, he heard footsteps. Looking up, he savored the sight of a still sleepy Kate, once again clad in his clothes, her hair messy and tumbled around her face.

"Morning, Castle," she smiled, in a voice still husky with sleep "how long have you been up?"

Castle set aside his laptop, rose and opened his arms wide to her, smiling as she immediately stepped into his hug. "About an hour," he replied, "I thought you could use the sleep after the past few days."

"Mmmhmm," she hummed against his chest, "but I wanted to wake up with you." Her voice had the slightest hint of petulance, and he smiled.

"We'll have plenty more mornings for that," he promised, "Now, how about some coffee?" As he spoke, he curved an arm around her shoulders and began to steer her to the kitchen.

"WAIT, Castle!" she stopped in her tracks, jerking him to a halt, and he turned to her in surprise, concern etched across his face.

"The least you can do is kiss me good morning, since you abandoned me in your bed." she insisted, glaring up at him in mock anger.

Castle's face was a study in confusion, as his expression went from quizzical to indignant to aroused, and finally to determined, as he slid his hands to either side of her face, and pulled her in for a firm but tender kiss. He had meant to keep it brief, but she coiled around him and deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue into his mouth to toy with his. Several minutes later he pulled back, gasping for air and met her eyes, noting her smug expression.

"Damn Kate, good morning to you, too" Castle chuckled "do you still need coffee, or did that do the trick?"

"You've been kissing me good morning with coffee for four years now Castle," she smiled knowingly; "I just thought that it would be nice to finally have a real one."

Astonished and delighted, Castle burst out laughing as he turned her once more toward the kitchen. "I'm glad you got my message with all those coffees, although I must admit, the real thing is much more satisfying."

Pouring her a cup, he fixed it to her preference and set it in front of her on the counter. "Hungry?" he inquired.

"Maybe just some fruit," Kate mused, "after all, we ate half of Chinatown just a few hours ago."

Castle pushed a bowl of fruit closer to her, leaning back against the counter as he watched her select an apple. "Your jacket is hanging to dry, and your clothes are clean and are in the dryer," he mentioned casually, "should be ready in about 20 minutes."

"How domestic, Castle." Kate observed. "Trying to get rid of me?" A slight tightening in her face belied her casual tone.

"Of course not," he assured her, "I just thought you might be more comfortable in your own clothes when Alexis gets home. Actually, I was hoping we could run by your place and pick up some of your things so you could spend a few days here. Or the three of us could get out of the city for the weekend; join Mother in the Hamptons." He paused, trying to read her expression, "Or do you have to work this weekend?"

"Castle…I quit. I quit my job." Her face was pale, eyes unfocused as she spoke. "I'm not…Castle, I'm not a cop anymore." She raised her eyes to his, imploringly. "It was the right thing to do, but God, Castle, I'm so scared. I'm not sure who I am without that badge."

Rick rounded the counter instantly and enfolded her in his arms, one hand stroking her hair. "I know you Kate Beckett," his voice was low and fierce in her ear. "You are YOU, with or without that hunk of metal. The same extraordinary, beautiful, strong, amazing woman I have known for four years. That badge was a huge part of your life; it was what you did, but it is NOT who you are. It did not, does not, define you."

Kate shuddered a sigh into his chest, breathing in the scent of his aftershave combined with soap and a warm spicy smell that was all him. His hands continued to make long soothing strokes along her hair and down her back.

"Tell me what happened, Kate." Castle quietly asked. He steered her gently into a stool and sank onto another himself, facing her and patiently waiting as she gathered her thoughts and began to speak.

His blood ran cold as she recounted the rooftop struggle. Picturing her dangling above the street, helpless at the mercy of a contract killer made him sick.

She faltered as she explained what had happened next. "Castle, I was so sure I heard your voice calling my name. I shouted back, and I swore I heard you telling me to hang on."

Castle moved as if to speak and she held up her hand to silence him.

"I took an unbelievably stupid chance going after him without telling Gates, without backup. Ryan tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. But so many times you've been there to yank me back to safety when I go too far out on the edge. I guess I got careless, expecting you to always be there. When I started to fall, and they grabbed me, pulled me up, I was so certain you would be standing there. But I had driven you away." a tear rolled down her face as she stopped, overcome with emotion.

"Rick, I hung there, expecting to die, and thinking about you, about how brave you were to tell me how you felt. I had been so blinded by my anger that I didn't let myself feel anything about what you said. But out on that ledge, that was all I could think about; you were all I could think about. I didn't think about my Mom's killer, or revenge, or letting her down. I just wanted to survive so I could find you and tell you that I love you too." she smiled at the exultant look on his face, as he cupped her cheek with his hand and brushed a thumb over her tears.

"I've spent so much time over the last year trying to be about more than that one moment when I lost my Mom. But it took almost dying to make me realize that I've succeeded; I have moved beyond it. I know it changed me forever, and I've made my peace with that, but I don't have to drag it around with me anymore." Kate lifted her hand to cover his where it lay against her cheek.

"And quitting the force?" Castle inquired, searching her eyes with his.

"I want to find out who I am without it. I want to see if there is another way to live." she said simply.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thanks for the lovely reviews! There should be at least one more chapter after this one.

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Castle stood in his loft, arms wrapped around Kate, her head burrowed into his neck. For the umpteenth time since she had appeared on his doorstep the night before, he felt a wave of emotion crash over him. He suppressed the desire to crush her to him again; he realized now that she must be hurting after her rooftop battle followed by a very busy night in his bed. She must have sensed his hesitation, because she squeezed him hard, murmuring "I'm ok, Castle, nothing damaged, just a little bit sore. And most of the soreness is the good kind, from you and me, not from the fight."

Pulling back slightly, he met her gaze. "How about a nice hot shower?" he offered.

With a smirk, she replied, "That depends, Castle. You gonna wash my back for me?"

Heat flared in his eyes as her words registered. He immediately ducked down, pulling her over his shoulder and turning to carry her towards the master bathroom. Kate was breathless with laughter, but still managed to smack at his rear with her dangling hands. "Castle, you're such a Neanderthal; I never realized…"

Setting her down on the plush bathmat, he growled, "There's only so much provocation a man can take, Kate, and I've had four years of your teasing. Now that I can do something about it, you'd better be careful about what you say."

Kate gave him her most provocative look, "Promise?" she asked, taunting him with an extra dose of her sexy pout.

Castle growled again, a wordless groan, and immediately reached for her, pulling her hips hard against his, and smirking a bit himself at the breathy sound she made as she felt him hard against her. Reaching into the shower, he flipped the water on and made short work of removing their clothes as it heated up. He tugged her into the generous enclosure as steam billowed around them. Lost in each other once again, they explored and tasted, water cascading over them as their mingled cries of fulfillment echoed from the tiled walls.

An endless time later, they gently bathed each other, solemn faced. In the shower, Castle had found each mark, each tender place left by her desperate battle the day before. He had kissed each one, trying with his gentle mouth to undo the pain she felt. He was thankful for the constant fall of water that disguised the helpless tears that seeing her wounds brought to his eyes. He couldn't bring himself to regret his decision to walk away, because that choice had ultimately led her back to him. Miraculously, she had chosen him over vengeance, over her private war, and he was grateful, so grateful. But he would give anything to have spared her the pain she was feeling now. Well, anything but this, but them together. If the pain they had both experienced was the price of their being together now, like this, he would pay it again gladly.

He knew he had loved her before; he had had four frustrating years to measure the depth of his feelings. But he understood now that his love had been akin to a blind man understanding a rainbow. What he had felt before was real, but he had had no concept of the depths of her, of what they were together; now he knew. He had witnessed the shifting colors of her eyes as he touched her; learned the quiver of her muscles as he rose above her, tasted the salt of her tears as she lost herself in shared sensation. The wicked grin she wore as she teased him mercilessly with her tongue, the fire that rose in her eyes as he marked her skin with his teeth, these were graven on his mind and heart, and the love he felt now was more than he could have imagined just a day ago. His heart felt too small, too weak to contain the emotion he felt as he held her under the warm shower spray, and thanked whatever gods existed for her life.

After he had dried her skin, gently, tenderly patting the water from her darkening bruises, he wrapped them both in thick robes and they wandered back into the bedroom hand in hand. Kate flopped to the bed with a deep sigh of satisfaction, leaning back against the headboard.

"Castle, we have to put some clothes on, take a break. And when is Alexis due back?"

"I told her I would expect her around lunchtime, which means anywhere from 11 to 2, really. What time is it now anyway?" Castle looked around for his phone. Remembering, he walked in to his office to find it on his desk. "It's noon already. You want your clothes, or some of mine?" he asked, as he ducked into the closet.

Beckett smiled "I think I'd better wear my own. No need to freak her out."

Castle stuck his head out and smiled at her. "Alexis knows how I feel about you Kate; she isn't going to freak out. Mother on the other hand, might just hire skywriters to spread the news."

Kate digested this for a moment, toying with the end of the belt knotted around her waist. "So, is Alexis going to approve?" Her tone was casual, but Castle knew her well enough to read the apprehension she tried to hide.

He emerged from the closet, wearing boxers and a shirt, dropping a pair of pants on the bed as he moved to her side. "Kate, you and Alexis have always gotten along well. Of course she'll approve." He stroked a finger down her cheek and smiled at her. "She's been worried that I'll be miserable and alone when she leaves for college; now she won't have to be concerned, because I have you."

Kate smiled, and lifted a hand to swat his tickling finger away from her face. "I think she knows you well enough to expect a certain amount of misery no matter what, Castle. But you're right; at least you won't be alone."

Castle beamed a smile at her, thrilled by her offhand acknowledgement.

"Where are my clothes, Castle?" Beckett inquired, rising from the bed.

"I'll show you where the laundry room is." Castle grabbed her hand and led her back through the door, stopping suddenly as they approached his front door. Tugging her into his arms, he chuckled. "I'm never going to be able to walk through that door again without remembering how it felt to push you up against it and finally kiss you the way I've been wanting to for years."

Grinning up at him, she put her lips to his ear and murmured "Me too, Castle. And I have a whole list of other places I want to try out too."

Groaning, he swooped to take her mouth with his, nipping her bottom lip with his teeth before soothing with his tongue. They stood there kissing for long minutes, savoring the taste and feel of each other, both still enthralled by the sheer fact that they could do this now; that the barriers were finally down. Caught up in each other, neither heard the sound of a key in the lock, so they were still at it as the door swung open and Alexis entered the loft and let out a small huff of surprise.

"Dad…Kate?" Alexis stood gazing at them, dumbstruck.

Kate drew back, swiping a hand over her mouth, her expression an interesting blend of determination and embarrassment. Castle clasped her hand in his own, even as he reached out with the other arm to pull his daughter into a hug. "Hey, sweetie! I'm glad you're home safe. How was your big night?"

Alexis' face was comical as her eyes darted between Kate and her father. Kate wouldn't quite meet her eyes, afraid of what she might see there. Castle, on the other hand, acted as if finding him kissing Kate Beckett was a normal occurrence, not even worthy of mention. Shrugging slightly, Alexis took her father's lead, although her eyes communicated privately that she expected some answers later.

"Great, Dad. We hit all the grad parties and had a blast. But I'm exhausted. I'm going to grab something to eat and go take a nap." She moved past him towards the kitchen.

"There's a ton of Chinese in there, help yourself, but skip the Kung Pao, it's extra spicy like Beckett likes." Castle led Kate toward the small hall past the kitchen where the laundry room lay. "Oh, and Beckett and I are probably going to head out for a while, but we'll be back in time to get dinner if you're up."

"I'll be up," Alexis' voice was muffled, her head in the fridge as she dug through Chinese cartons. "I don't want to get too far off schedule."

Kate stood in the doorway; arms folded across her chest, watching Castle pull her clean clothes from the dryer. "Castle, I know you said she wouldn't freak out, but that was a little bizarre, don't you think? Your daughter had no reaction to finding us kissing in the doorway, you in your underwear, me in a robe." Her eyes narrowed as he grinned at her, "Or is she just so used to women in your house…"

Castle's grin vanished, as he halted her words with a hurried "No, no Kate, nothing like that, not in years." His earnest expression was totally sincere. "She knows that you make me happy, she's known for a long time how I feel about you. She was plenty surprised to see us together like that, but she was trying not to freak YOU out by making a big deal about it."

Kate digested his words for a moment, then turned on her heel and walked back into the kitchen, where Alexis stood dishing leftovers on to a plate. Castle trailed after her, still carrying her clothes, which he placed on the counter.

"Alexis, is this ok?" Kate asked, waving a hand to indicate herself and Castle.

Alexis looked up, startled by her directness. Her eyes held a question as they travelled past Kate to meet her father's calm countenance. His expression gave away nothing, leaving her to respond as she liked.

Alexis took a deep breath, and turned to face her squarely. "I want my Dad to be happy; he's a good man, he deserves it. If you make him happy, then I have no problem with it. But he cares about you Kate, sometimes too much I think, because he'll take crazy risks to protect you. And when you're in danger, he forgets that he has other people in his life who love him and need him not to get hurt or killed."

Kate closed her eyes briefly, the words hitting her like a blow. She sensed Castle about to move, to interrupt Alexis, and she lifted a hand to stop him. He subsided, but a pained expression remained on his face.

"I just want to know that you care about him the same way; that you'll do everything you can to protect him and keep him safe." Alexis paused, groping for the right words. "I know you try to keep him from getting hurt, because that's your job. You're a cop. What I mean though, is that I want you to keep him safe because he's as important to you as you are to him. Do you understand?" Alexis' eyes bored into Kate's intently, demanding an honest answer.

Kate met her gaze unwaveringly as she answered. "Alexis, I'm in love with him. I'm going to do everything in my power to keep him safe, because I couldn't stand it if something happened to him. And as of yesterday, I'm not a cop anymore, so hopefully our days of risking our lives are over."

Castle listened to her words, feeling a wonderful ache in his chest at her declaration. He watched as a wide smile bloomed over his daughter's face, his own grin bursting out as Alexis threw her arms around Kate in an exuberant hug. With one long stride, he moved forward and gathered them both in his arms, squeezing tight until they laughingly begged for release. He dropped a kiss on his daughter's head as he stepped away, threading his fingers through Kate's.

"Ok, Alexis; eat, sleep, and we'll see you at dinner time." he said, pointing at his daughter. Turning the finger toward Beckett, he declared "You need to put some clothes on; we have errands to run. It's disgraceful how you run around barely dressed in front of my child." He reached out a long arm, scooping her clothes off the counter.

Kate nearly sputtered with indignation, until she saw the teasing gleam in his eyes. "I'll get you for that one later, Castle," she promised with a gleam of her own. Tugging on their joined hands, she led him off toward the bedroom as Alexis moved to microwave her meal. "Bye Alexis, see you later!" she called over her shoulder.


End file.
